Christmas Wishes
by Blue Skies Rusty
Summary: A young girl asks Santa for her favorite characters for xmas. One chapter for each of the 12 days of xmas. More info in the AN. enjoy.
1. The First Day of Christmas

**A/N: **Howdy! I decided to write this for the holidays though I'm pretty sure I'm a little late on the whole twelve days of Christmas thing, you'll all forgive me... right? For anyone reading my other stories... abandon all hope. Just kidding. I'll get back to them eventually. Please don't ask for a time frame or anything because my muse is mean and won't let me know when I'll be inspired on those fics again.

Anyway, this story is compiled of characters (who are probably not in it) from several different fandoms. I wanted to use a different one for each chapter but that was a bit too difficult and thus you'll see Lord of the Rings characters in four chapters. I promise you'll never see the same character twice though.

**Disclaimer:** Do I look like I have any claim on Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Peter Pan, American Outlaws, Blade, Underworld, Boondock Saints, AND Pirates of the Caribbean? I didn't think so.

* * *

_**Christmas Wishes**_

**A Pirate on the Black Pearl**

_Dear Santa,_

_I've been a very good girl this year but as you know, my boyfriend Jake has been naughty. Can you believe he cheated on me with a 10th grader?! I mean, we're only in 8th grade! How does he get a sophomore in high school? Gawd! _

_Anyway. This year for Christmas, all I want is another man to help me get over my heart break. I've put a lot of thought into it and I've decided on the perfect guy. He's funny, and he'll make me laugh and he's super hot and he's funny. _

_Santa, could I please have Captain Jack Sparrow for Christmas?_

_Thank you!_

_Much Love,_

_Macy Orsen._

As he read the letter again, Santa tugged on his long white beard. Was this girl serious? She wanted a fictional character for Christmas! The big man sighed. It wouldn't be impossible to pull the pirate out of the fictional world and lend him to the girl for a few days.

Again he read the letter. He remembered perfectly well what exactly Jake had done with that slut, Gertrude. How could he forget? He still had nightmares about! Was it even legal for kids that age to literally suck face in public. Santa shuddered.

Poor Macy. She was pretty down about. Maybe he could give her Jack Sparrow for just a day as an early Christmas present. The jolly man nodded to himself. That's exactly what he would do.

* * *

Yawning, Macy stretched her arms over her head. It was another cold winter morning and the gray clouds seemed to match the fifteen-year-old girl's mood. As she rubbed her clear blue eyes, she looked around at the posters that covered her bubble gum pink wallpaper.

There were many faces looking back at her. All the way from Legolas to Peter Pan. Macy's eyes fell on Jack Sparrow who was grinning roguishly from the poster above her bed. She wondered briefly if Santa had gotten her letter. She quickly dressed and headed down to the kitchen where her mother was sure to be making pancakes.

However, when she reached the kitchen, Macy found that her parents and three brothers were gone. There was a note on the counter.

_Macy, we all went to see Grandma Lee in Florida. Sorry you have to stay in Maine but we couldn't fit you in the car and all the luggage was on the roof so we couldn't tie you down like we did last year. We'll be back in twelve days. Don't mess up the house or you'll be sleeping the shed with the woodchuck. _

_Sincerely, Mom_

Macy sighed. All alone again. At least she could watch all her favorite movies without her older brothers taking over the television. Grabbing a bag of chips for breakfast, Macy made her way to the living room.

"Hullo, love!" The familiar voice made her drop the bag. "Mind tellin' me where I am?"

Turning, Macy saw Captain Jack Sparrow sitting comfortably on the floor in front of her Christmas tree with a large red bow on his head. For a moment they just stared at each other.

Macy squealed at the top of her lungs like only a fan girl can. "OMIGOD!!!! JACK SPARROW!!!!"

Jack had immediately clamped his hands over his ears and winced. "That's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow," he corrected through his grimace.

Still screaming her blonde head off, Macy dived at him. She landed on top of him and enveloped him in a bone crushing hug. "I _LURVE _you!!"

"Can't... breathe..." Jack wheezed. He tried to wiggle free but it was no use. He was trapped in the vice-like grip of the deadly fan girl hug.

"Santa sent you to be my _boyfriend!!!_" Jack's eyes widened and he whimpered. The Kraken was less pants-wettingly horrifying than the prospect of being attached to this crazed young girl.

He gasped, filling in his lungs desperately when she let go. "We're going to have SO much fun together! We can watch movies, and snuggle on the couch, and bake cookies, and you can buy me flowers, and we can go for romantic walks on the beach, and you can take me sailing into the sunset on the _Pearl_, and we'll have SO many fun adventures together, and we'll go shopping at the mall." Macy's eyes widened as she gasped, inhaling for the first time since she let go of poor Jack. "And I can show you off to all those stupid fan girls at the mall and make them jealous!"

She began to giggle insanely while Jack blanched. There were more of her? How many hyper-active, over imaginative, lusting, squeaky, rabidly insane girls could there possibly be in this strange world? For a moment Jack began to smirk at the thought that all these young girls were madly in love with him. After all, he was _the Captain Jack Sparrow._

His smirk quickly fell when Macy tugged forcefully on his arm. "Come on, Jack!" He opened his mouth to correct her but didn't get the chance. "Let's watch _Love! Sweet, Mushy, Full-of-Little-Red-Hearts, Love._ It's my favorite movie everrrr!!"

If possible, Jack paled further. He had to get out of this and quick! "Luv," he said, grabbing Macy by the shoulders and holding her firmly. "Why don' you go freshen up a bit and I'll um... wait here." He threw in his trademark smirk for good measure.

A wide smile split Macy's face. "Sure! I'll be right down." With that, she bounced off and ran up the stairs to the second floor.

The second she was out of sight, Jack ran through the house, looking for an exit. He came to a door that looked promising and yanked it open. As he rushed through, he realized his mistake. He had just ran into a closet.

For a moment he got tangled in the coats and jackets that hung in the dim closet. He flailed his arms frantically in an attempt to disentangle himself from the assuredly evil clothes.

Stumbling backwards, he found himself out of the closet. He ripped a red and white stripped scarf from his head and slapped the door shut. "Wrong one," he muttered as he turned and continued to search for his escape route.

Jack ran to a window where snowflakes were lazily landing on the outside before melting. Looking out at the white wonderland, Jack cocked his head. He most certainly wasn't in the Caribbean anymore, that was for sure. Placing his hands on the cold glass, Jack began pushed to throw it open. It didn't budge. He growled in frustration as he threw all his weight against.

To his dismay, Jack didn't even crack the glass. He backed away, beginning to think he was holed up in some impenetrable fortress. If only he had known that Macy's windows opened up instead of out.

Looking around, Jack spotted curtained glass doors behind the oddly decorated pine tree. Then his eyes slid to the staircase where he knew his tormentor was preparing to unleash unimaginable horrors upon him. To get to the glass doors, he would have to sneak by the stairs.

Gulping, Jack began to tiptoe. He peeked up to the second floor as he went by the base of the stairs as was only slightly relieved to see that Macy was nowhere in sight. Cautiously, he continued to the creep across the plush white carpet, leaving dirty footprints in his wake.

As reached the Christmas tree, he parted his lips in a relieved sigh. Alas! Before the breath could make it past his dry lips, he heard _her_ voice from upstairs.

"Jack!" She called.

For a moment his mouth hung open and his kohl-rimmed eyes darted around in panic. "Yes... luv?" He could barely choke the words out.

"Which kind of perfume would you rather I wear?" He listened carefully for her footsteps, in fear that at any moment she would spring over the railing and tackle him again. "Curious or Coconut-Lime-Midnight Lavender body mist?"

"Eh... Coconut?" He only hoped his appeased The Vile One.

"Are you sure?" He heard a creak from the floorboards above him and his heart sank. "Do you want to smell them first? I'll bring them down."

"NO!" He winced at his outburst and continued more calmly. "No, Luv. It's quite alright. Coconut will do just fine. It will... remind me of the Caribbean. Yes! You know how much I love the Caribbean."

"Okay," she yelled brightly.

Another sigh of relief and Jack began to inch his way behind the Christmas tree, ready to run to his freedom. Just as his long fingers curled around the handle, one of the glass balls slipped off the tree.

The tinkling shatter of red glass was enough to make Jack's heart stop. The sudden pounding of footsteps above him, nearly paralyzed him in fear. Nearly.

"What was that sound," asked Macy as she came down the stairs into the living room. "You're not getting into trouble are you, Jackipoo?"

Her crystal blue eyes scanned the whitewash room. It was empty. "Jack? Spotting the footprints that crisscrossed the living room. Macy followed them. They led to the open sliding glass doors which were wide open!

Running out into the three feet of snow, Macy followed Jack's trail through the backyard and to the sidewalk out front. There she saw Jack running as fast as he could down the street, his dreadlocks flying behind him as he disappeared from view in the swirling snow.

Macy dropped to her knees and tilted her head back so her face was directed to the dark gray clouds above. Her fingers curled into fists as she filled her lungs and screamed. "JAAAAACK!!!!!!!"

* * *

So... did you love it? Hate it? Want to hug it to peices and marry it? Please, feel free to let me know.


	2. The Second Day of Christmas

**A/N: **Hello again my lovely readers. Here's chapter two.

Raging Raven, if you're reading this, which I hope you are, you need to register on FFN for me to be able to send you a private message type thing. To register, look at the FFN home page and on the top between "Log in" and the little search box. You'll see "register" click on that and then click on "agree" at the bottom right hand corner of the terms of service box. From there, all you have to do is fill in the little form and click "register" and I'll be able to help you a lot more easily.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Christmas, Santa, the Boondock Saints, or um... much of anything else for that matter.

* * *

_**Christmas Wishes**_

**Two Irish Saints**

_Dear Santa,_

_I'm terribly sorry to bother you again but, as you may already know, Jack Sparrow didn't work out the way I had hoped. In fact, he ran away completely. I'm sorry if you can't read this letter but I can't stop crying. _

_If it's at all possible, could you like, send me Murphy and Connor McManus? I think I'll need more than one man to cheer me up this time._

_Thanks,_

_Macy O._

Santa rubbed a hand over his forehead as he thought about Macy's new request. He felt absolutely terrible for the fiasco with Jack and he blamed himself completely. He wanted to make it up to the girl but... was it such a good idea to send out two more fictional characters?

Sighing, Santa reluctantly decided to grant Macy's request. After all, what kind of Santa would he be if he didn't grant Christmas wishes?

* * *

Shuffling her feet, Macy made her way miserably to the kitchen for another wholesome breakfast of salt and vinegar potato chips, French onion dip, salsa, sour cream, and captain crunch all mixed in a bowl and microwaved on high for thirty seconds. It was a wonder she hadn't keeled over and died yet.

Macy brought her bowl of microwave no-no into the living room. She propped her feet, pink bunny slippers and all, on the coffee table and settled in to watch an infomercial for the Magic Slicer.

She heard someone clear their throat and then speak in a thick Irish accent. "'Scuse us, but where the fuck are we?"

"Murphy," scolded a second voice.

"What?" The first voice asked defensively.

As the two voices bickered, Macy turned her head to see if they had bodies. She let loose an ear-splitting fan girl squeal. "OMIGAWD!! THE BOONDOCK SAINTS!"

Macy jumped up, spilling her concoction of death on the white carpet, and ran over to them. The McManus twins looked at each other in fear before bracing themselves for the oncoming tackle. She stopped in front of them and began hopping from foot to foot. "I don't who I want to hug first!"

Each of the twins pointed at the other. To their dismay this caused Macy to squeal again. "You're sooo cuuuuuute!!" She attempted to crush them both but they managed to dodge her.

"Where are we," Connor asked, hoping to get a general idea so they could get back to Boston, ASAP. The crazed little girl was proving to be.. well, crazed.

"In my house, DUH!" Macy giggled madly, making the brothers cringe. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

"How'd we get here?" Murphy was less trusting of the girl than his brother and he knew Connor didn't trust her as far as he could throw her.

"Santa," she sang, jumping up and down and clapping her hands. "He brought you here for me because Jack Sparrow ran away." She stopped moving and frowned slightly.

The McManus brothers exchanged a look in hopes that the fan girl has run out of batteries. "But it's okay now," she said brightly, crushing their hopes. "I've got _you_!"

They groaned. "So," she continued, oblivious to their groans of protest and shared glances. "What do you want to do today? We could go to the mall, watch movies, go out to dinner, have a romantic interlude, kill some bad guys, watch movies."

"Let's play hide-n-seek," Connor said, interrupting her.

Macy was silent for a moment and then squealed again. "OMIGAWD! I lurve hide-n-seek! You guys can like, hide and I'll seek!"

Bouncing away, Macy sat on the couch and covered her eyes. "One... two... um... three!"

The second she began counting, Murphy and Connor rushed to find an escape, or at the very least a place to hide. Connor made for the stairs but Murphy grabbed his collar, pulling him back and ran ahead of him.

From the second floor hallway they could hear Macy call, "Ready or not; here I come!"

Frantic, they ran to the closest door. The twins tried to enter it at the same time and got stuck while Macy's elephant-like footsteps pounded up the stairs. Panicking, they both pushed forward to and tumbled in. Connor shut the door while Murphy looked around in fear.

They had found themselves in the lion's den. All around them were posters for movies. Men of all shapes and sizes looked out at them. Including themselves.

"What the fuck..." Murphy trailed off as he tried to process what he was looking at.

Connor grabbed his brother and yanked him into a nearby closet. They could barely see each other in the dark but Murphy knew Connor was giving him the signal to be quiet.

Macy entered her bedroom. "Oh, boyfriends," she cooed. "Where are you?" Kneeling down, she looked under her bed. "Not in here."

Getting up, she bounced away again and the brothers sighed in relief. "Tha' was close," whispered Connor.

"Aye," agreed Murphy. "What are we goin' ta do?"

Connor was silent for a moment. "I don't know."

Silence again before Murphy spoke. "She is vile, though, isn't she?"

Quietly, Connor laughed. "Aye. Pure evil if ever I saw it." They laughed.

Realizing what Connor had said, the McManus brothers stopped laughing and shared another look.

Macy was in the living room, looking under the glass coffee table for one of the Boondock Saints. She didn't see them through the glass so she got down on her knees and looked under it. She was surprised to see that they weren't there. If she were the one hiding, that's where she would go.

As Macy got up, a bullet whizzed by her head and landed in the sofa beside her. Stuffing exploded from the white leather as Macy tilted her head and looked at it dumbly. Turning, she saw the McManus brothers standing at the foot of the stairs with guns in their hands and cigarettes in their mouths.

"I found you," she squealed, getting up to run to them. She stopped when they raised their guns. "Oh, you want to play cop and robbers? Okay!"

"I can't do it, Murph," hissed Connor. "She's too stupid. I feel like I'm shootin' a comatose goldfish."

"Think of it as takin' stupidity out o' the gene pool," Murphy whispered back.

Connor nodded and they both began to fire at the fan girl. Macy shrieked, making them drop their guns and fall to their knees, clutching their ears. "HELP MEEE!!!"

Macy ran around the living screaming and flailing her arms. Then coming to what little senses she possessed, she ran passed the twins and up the stairs. When she stopped her evil screams, Murphy picked up his gun and shot at her again as she dashed up to the second floor.

He missed every shot but left a long trail of bullet holes leading up the wall to the upstairs hallway. Connor was just getting up from the floor when Murphy ran out of bullets.

"Come on!" Connor grabbed his brother's arm and began to pull him away. "Now's our chance."

Together, the two McManus twins ran out the front door and as far from Macy's house as possible. They were only glad they managed to escape without being tortured too badly by the squeaky girl.


	3. The Third Day of Christmas

**A/N: **Another day, another chapter. This is the first one that involves characters from different fandoms. Hope you likey. Reviews are welcome and so are flames because they keep me warm on long, cold, lonely nights. Thank you, Bant for the first review. I've missed you.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Underworld or Underworld: Evolution or Blade or Blade 2 or Blade: Trinity. That's a lot of stuff I don't own.

* * *

_**Christmas Wishes**_

**Three Vampires**

_Dear Santa,_

_Did you know the McManus twins are insane? They tried to kill me! The only thing I can think of for you to make it up to me is by sending me Blade, Kraven or Marcus._

_Sincerely,_

_Macy O._

Slumping in his overstuffed chair, Santa let the letter slip to the floor. Despite feeling guilty for sending the Irish twins to her, Santa couldn't help but feel that Macy Orsen was becoming more and more annoying as the days passed. He suspected that he was going to need to sneak a shot of whiskey while Mrs. Claus wasn't looking.

* * *

Armed with a Nerf gun, Macy made her way downstairs. She had spent the night under her bed, not knowing if the Boondock Saints had left her home or not. The Nerf gun was for her own protection in case they had decided to set up camp in her living room and ambush her in the morning.

Seeing the coast was clear, Macy started to move through the living room towards the kitchen. She stopped suddenly and decided to check under her Christmas tree for Santa's latest delivery. To her immense fan girl glee, there were three sleeping vampires.

"OMIGAWD!!" She squealed. It was getting to be a habit of hers. "Blade _and_ Kraven _and_ Marcus all in one! Santa's my favorite person everrr!!"

Unfortunately, her squeals awoke the two vampires from one of Macy's favorite movies, _Underworld_ and the best Daywalker to ever, well, walk in the day.

"What the hell is going on here," asked Blade as he and the two vampires shot to their feet. "Bloodsuckers." He glared at the vampires through his sunglasses and unsheathed his sword.

"Who are you," spat Kraven, looking at Blade with disgust. "Who are you," he asked again, turning to the oh-so-giddy Macy. Turning again he saw Marcus and quickly dropped to his knee to bow. "My Lord."

"Kraven," questioned the pre-half-breed Marcus. "What is going on here?"

"Santa brought you to be my Christmas presents," chirped Macy. "Because Jack ran away and Murphy and Connor tried to kill me."

"What," the three asked angrily and slightly confused.

"I'm leaving," stated Marcus. "Kraven, come along."

"Yes, my Lord," the lap dog said bowing his head slightly.

"Hold it," Blade barked. "You're not going anywhere."

"Yeah," said Macy, stamping her foot. "You're my presents you have to stay!"

"I'm going to bleed you dry," growled Kraven, advancing on Macy.

"Awww! You're so cute!" The fan girl ran forward and wrapped her arms around Kraven's waist. "I lurve you, boyfriend!"

Blade and Marcus shared a questioning look. What the hell was wrong with this girl?

Kraven tried to pry Macy away from him but to no avail. "Get off of me! Get off!" Macy merely giggled causing the two vampires and the half vampire to cringe. "My Lord," whined Kraven. "Help me!"

"Honestly!" Marcus rolled his eyes while Blade watched in mild amusement. "You're so incompetent you can't even deal with a mere child."

Walking forward, he gripped Macy's shoulders and yanked on her. To his surprise she let go of Kraven and clamped her arms around the vampire elder. "I lurve you, too!"

"Kraven!" Marcus was sounding panicked. "Get this thing off me! Now!"

A slow, malicious smile crept across Kraven's face. "She's only a child," he said, throwing Marcus's words back at him. "You deal with it."

Turning, Kraven began to stride away but stopped short when he felt Blades... blade against his throat. "Take another step," hissed the vampire hunter. "I dare you."

Kraven's eyes looked from the blade to Blade and then back to the blade. "Stay out of my way," he growled, though he was clearly uncomfortable.

"Make me," challenged the Daywalker.

Growling, Kraven pushed away the sword and turned to face Blade. Kraven threw a punch and Blade blocked it before throwing one of his own. The two had entered into a fist fight which looked like any other fight except that it was two immortals and they both had super speed and strength.

"Get off!" Marcus was still shoving at Macy's shoulders trying to get her to detach herself from his waist.

"No!" she cried stubbornly. "I lurve you!"

Marcus groaned. "See that man? The one over there with the sword who is fighting that weak, pathetic, excuse of a vampire?"

Looking over, Macy nodded. "That's Blade. I lurve him 'cause he's sooo cool."

"Right. Blade. He wants a hug from you too," he lied.

Squealing, Macy ran over and tackled Blade to the ground. Kraven looked down at the now immobile Blade and laughed. Unable to think of any of his lame, not-so-witty comments, he turned and began to walk towards the door again.

"Where do you think you're going," interrupted Marcus, appearing in front of him in a very vampire-like way.

Kraven's lip curled before he began to kiss ass. "My Lord, I was going to go get help for dealing with the despicable child."

"The only despicable child I see, is you," snapped Marcus. "I'm going to kill you like I do in the sequel!" Gasping, Kraven turned tail and ran. "Get back here!"

As Blade struggled with Macy, a thought came to his mind. Did he remember to take his insulin this morning? His diabetes was going to kick his butt if he didn't. More importantly, did he remember to take his serum? As the thought came to him, he began to feel woozy and thirsty. For blood, not water.

"I need to feed," he muttered.

"Okay," said Macy brightly, letting go of him. "Would like some ice-cream or, brownies or, chips or, cheese and chocolate chips omelets or-"

Marcus and Kraven paused in their wild chase. "Are you stupid," spat Kraven in his usual superior tone.

"He means he wants to feed on a human," added Marcus.

"Drink blood," supplied Kraven.

"Geez," they said in unison, rolling their eyes.

"And you call yourself a fan girl," Marcus scoffed.

Taking the momentary distraction to his advantage, Kraven ran off and bounded over the coffee table, landing on the couch and jumping over the back of it, knocking it over. Marcus wasn't far behind him but when he tried to use the glass coffee table as leverage to get over the couch, it shattered under his weight.

"HA!" Kraven was pointing at Marcus who was laying in the middle of the table's metal frame, shards of glass all around him. "Fatty!"

"Hey! I'm not fat!" Marcus quickly got up and resumed the chase.

"So, hungry," Blade said from behind Macy. He spotted her neck and the thirst for blood threw him over the edge. Blade leaned over, clamped his hands on Macy's shoulders and went in for the kill.

Feeling Blade's hands on her shoulders, Macy grinned. "Oh, honey! I lurve you too." She turned her head to look at him but all she saw was two fangs coming towards her neck.

Macy screamed. Blade stumbled back, covering his ears with his hands. Kraven dropped to the ground, curling up and trying to block out the high-pitch wail. Marcus tried to clamp his hands over his ears as he ran but tripped over Kraven and tumbled to the ground.

As Macy stood in the middle of the living room, screaming at the top of her lungs, a van pulled up out front. Whistler, Abby, and King from _Blade: Trinity _came running into the house. They all had very large earmuffs on. The kind they use at shooting ranges.

King and Abby grabbed Blade, gave him the serum and brought him out to the van.

_"What about them?" _King scrawled on a dry-erase board when he and Abby came back in to join Whistler. He pointed down at the suffering vampires while his two companions read his note.

_"Leave them," _Abby wrote back on her own board.

_"No,"_ wrote Whistler, shaking his head at his daughter. _"Not even vampires deserve that."_ He nodded in the direction of Macy and King and Abby both nodded in silent agreement. They grabbed the two vampires and carried them out to the van before speeding off down the road.

Macy, oblivious to everything that had just transpired, merely continued to scream.


	4. The Fourth Day of Christmas

**A/N: **Hello, again. It makes me sad that people are not reviewing. I suppose it's good that I'm at least getting hits. I wouldn't mind some feedback though. Positive, negative. It doesn't really matter. I love hearing from my readers.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any characters from LOTR. If I did I wouldn't be writing this because, I'd be too busy sitting on a beach on a tropical island, sipping a fruity drink and getting fanned and massaged by sexy, muscular, half-naked men who worship me as their love goddess... (drool). Oh! Sorry. What?

* * *

_**Christmas Wishes**_

**Four Hobbits**

_Dear Santa, _

_I had a really strange dream that you sent me Blade, Kraven, and Marcus. In my dream, things didn't work out the way I imagined so, I've decided to switch my request to hobbits, instead. _

_Thankies!_

_Macy O._

Having read the letter thoroughly, Santa's open palm connected with his forehead, making a satisfying _Smack!

* * *

_

Macy bounded happily down the stairs. She couldn't wait to see if Santa had gotten her letter and sent her the hobbits. Sure enough, to no one's great surprise, four hobbits sat idly under her Christmas tree, talking quietly and casting glances around the room.

"EEEE!" Her excited fan girl call alerted them to her presence and they all looked up at her with fear shining in their little hobbit eyes. "Sam, Frodo, Pippin, and Merry! You're sooooo much cuter in person!!"

Sam cast a questioning glance in Frodo's direction but Frodo was too busy looking up at Macy with a look not dissimilar to Merry's expression. That is, a dumbfounded look of perplexity.

"Hullo," Pippin said brightly.

_Eeping_, Macy bent down and scooped the little hobbit into a hug. "I'm gonna hug you and squeeze you and pet you and keep you forever," she said in likeness to Elmira from Tiny Toon Adventures.

"Who are you," asked Frodo, standing up and looking up at Macy. "And where are we?" Sam had gotten up too and was standing protectively beside Frodo with his arms crossed.

"I'm Macy but you can call me Mommy," she said happily, still holding Pippin and not noticing the confused looks Merry, Sam and Frodo shared. "This is your new home."

"We can't stay here," Frodo said. "We need to find the Inn of the Prancing Pony. Gandalf will be waiting for us." He didn't want to mention the Ring because, well, frankly the girl seemed like she could be a spy for Sauron. If not Sauron himself in disguise.

Macy only giggled in response and said, "Silly hobbit."

"I'm hungry," Pippin said, pouting slightly. "D'you have anythin' for breakfast?"

"Of course," said Macy brightly. "Anything for my little babies."

Still carrying Pippin, she led the other three hobbits into the kitchen. She place Pippin on the booster seat her parents usually made her use. Sam, Merry, and Frodo had to sit on phonebooks to get eyelevel with the table.

"What would you like," she cooed, pinching Frodo's cheeks.

"Anything," Merry said from beside Pippin.

Macy let go of Frodo's now red cheeks and he promptly rubbed them. She rummaged in the cabinets before pulling out a box of Hostess cupcakes. "Here you go my dears."

The box had barely touched the table before the cupcakes were gone. Four hobbits were licking their fingers as Macy hee-hee'd.

"I'm still hungry," Pippin complained.

"Me too," Sam agreed.

"D'you have any mushrooms," questioned Pippin, turning his bright eyes to her.

"As a matter of fact, I do," she chirped, moving towards the fridge. "I picked them myself a few days ago!"

Again, before the plate mushrooms touched the table, they were devoured. The poor things didn't stand a chance against the hunger of four hobbits. No morsel of food did.

"More," Pippin demanded, beating on the table with his fists. Merry joined in and Sam and Frodo weren't slow to follow. Mushrooms made them crazy. It turned the nicest of hobbits into crazed, munchy-searching, eating-machines.

"I'll see what I can find," Macy said happily. She turned to the freezer and pulled out a tub of ice-cream. When she turned back around to face the table, the hobbits were gone. "Munchkins? Oh! I get it! You want to play hide-n-seek! Okay!"

Macy left the ice-cream on the table and walked off into the living room. "Ready or not, here I come!"

Fifteen minutes later, Macy had checked the entire house, basement to attic and back again. She hadn't found a single hobbit. Thinking that perhaps this was hide-n-seek-tag, she returned to the kitchen to see if they were using the table as base.

She stopped in the doorway and attempted to take in the sight around her. Sam was raiding the refrigerator, pulling out fruits, veggies, cheesecake, a tub of butter, chocolate syrup, and sandwich meats. Frodo stood on the toaster, using it as a boost so he could pull the contents from the cabinets. He threw boxes of cereal, pancake mix, Stove Top stuffing, fruit roll-ups, and several other things over his shoulder so Merry could catch them. Any dishes and plates that were unfortunate enough to get in his way shattered on the floor.

The floor was littered with cornflakes and flour. Maple syrup, Crisco, and molasses coated the tiles and made an ideal adhesive for the dry ingredients and containers that landed on the floor.

There was a _thunk!_ and a _crash!_ from the pantry and Macy watched as Pippin tumbled out, his arms loaded with Pepsi cans. "Look what I found! They make you burp!"

The others hurried over and cracked open the cans, chugging the carbonated beverage. Almost immediately the four hyped-up, over-sugared, over-mushroomed hobbits had a belching contest.

Sam went last, with a belch that shook the house. Macy was only vaguely aware of the tinkling shattering sounds of the glass ornaments falling from the tree in the living room. She was more focused, however, on the crazed giggles of the hobbits.

"What else do you have to eat," demanded Frodo as he licked honey barbeque sauce from his fingers and around his mouth. He had eaten an entire serving dish full of leftover chicken wings before drinking the bottle of marinade.

"Um... nothing," Macy said, looking around at the destroyed kitchen.

"Where can we get some," shouted Sam, jumping up on a nearby chair and grabbing the collar of her shirt. "Tell us!"

Macy looked over his shoulder where Merry held a wooden spoon, Pippin was picking up a wire whisk and Frodo pressed the button on the electric beaters, making them _whir!_

"The grocery store," she said meekly, shrugging her shoulders slightly.

"To the grocery store!" Frodo cried, abandoning the electric beaters and grabbing the potato masher and brandishing it over his head.

He led the charge out the front door. The other three hobbits gave their food-searching cries and raised their own weapons before following him.

"Wait!" Macy leaned out the front door as Pippin plunged off the stoop and into the three feet of snow in the front yard. She watched as four lumps moved beneath the snow where the hobbits were burrowing their way to the grocery store. "Come back my little babies! Come back! I'll pick more mushrooms!" Macy called as they disappeared from sight.


End file.
